Moving toward 10

In highschool, we got jersey's as seniors and got to choose a nickname and a number. With the help of friends, I chose Spaz (it was fitting) and the number 10. 10 was for the number of children I wanted. My grandmother always said she had wanted a baker's dozen and I thought that was a bit much. 10 sounded more doable.

So we've just got 7 more to go. Unless you are counting our furry child (which I don't), that means we've got 3 kids. And we do!!

There was no question that we would try to have more children after Thomas and there was a plan as to when that might happen. And all God's angels laughed. So, we will move to zone defense (truth: not a clue what that means) a little sooner than expected. Mary Kate turns 3 in July, Thomas turns one in September, and this baby should come December. We found out about as early as you can possibly test positive so it feels like I've been pregnant forever. Heaven knows this baby isn't about to go unnoticed and is already vying for attention. Dear little one, I know you are in there. You need not make mama want to shrivel up and cry every second of the day. And that's the last complaint you will get out of me.  Because I don't have to convince myself that this baby is a gift. I don't have to remind myself that I always feared (as did my doctors) that I wouldn't be able to conceive children. I need only look at my other two needlings to get on my knees and thank God.

Mary Kate and Thomas were planned, to the month. This baby, as my friend reminded me, was planned by God, if not by us. That sounds cliche but it is true. One day I'll venture into the land of Natural Family planning conversation but a part of the reason we chose to use this method of family planning was to ensure that God got to be a part of the decision. (P.s. I know plenty of people who have been on birth control who have gotten pregnant. I know God is a part of every decision if He chooses to be). Sparing you the when's and what's, I would have never, ever, ever, thought conception was possible when it occured. I am relatively well versed in how to do this since we were able to space Thomas and MK as we chose. I know that come December, I will look at this baby and THANK GOD that we didn't prevent this life. I know I will look into the eyes of this little gift and see a blessing I didn't know I absolutely, positively needed.

That said, I'd be a bold faced liar if I didn't say there have been hard days. Having just weaned Thomas, I am a ball of hormonal crazy on top of baseline crazy. My kids need a lot, both physically and mentally. The idea that I will have enough to go around in a few months is almost unbelievable to me. Almost. Because I remember that I don't have to do it all. I don't have to be enough, do enough, give enough. I can do all things through Christ who is within me. I am not doing this alone and when I remember that, I can remove myself from the fetal position and breathe again.

So on this mother's day, I celebrated being a mama to three, God given, precious gifts. I thanked God for the HONOR of parenting them. He could have chosen someone much more qualified and patient and resourceful and energetic. But He gifted me.

And while I doubt highly we will get to 10, I won't doubt His plan for our family for one minute and hope that despite my own fears and inadequacies, I will trust in that plan all the days of our lives.

Welcome to the world little baby Ninness! You have a whole housefull waiting to meet you!!

Some quick photos of who awaits this precious babe!

brain dump, emotion version

The last few days have been rough. I can't put my finger on what, but I know the common theme is "things Keri is not doing well." I think it was prompted by my trip to Savannah. It was a good trip (presh pics to follow) but for me, lots of family time usually leaves me feeling like I kind of suck. I start (over?) analyzing everything. I want to be fun versus a stick in the mud. I want to be supportive versus critical. I want to be encouraging and loving. Known sometimes as "the religious one" in my family, I want this faith I profess to shine through. But I leave feeling like I just may push people further and further away from this person, this Jesus, that I talk about.

I can give myself grace and remember that I am not powerful enough to thwart God's plan for anyone. I cannot change His plan for their lives, even if I acted like a total horse's behind for 2 days. Ross told me to have a drink and just have fun. Why does that seem like a mountain to climb some days?

I'm back home and on day two of just feeling like there a million things I am not. I am not discliplined. I am not patient. I am not loving. I am not healthy, I am not prayerful. I am not determined or committed or intentional. The counselor in me is trying to separate who I am from what I'm doing. The objective truth is that I am not doing a great job of living a well disciplined, patient, loving, prayerful, determined, intentional life. I am lagging behind.  And I never do well in last place.

In any area of my life, the better I am, the better I am. Success drives me to do better, be better. Failure, perceived or not, stunts me. I get so weighed down with all the things I am not doing well and cannot climb out of the hole of self-degradation, and yes, sometimes self pity,  too. The trick is always to find that happy middle of acknowledging areas that need improvement while giving grace and remembering that my worth comes from doing not a damned thing. It comes from being His.

Having children helps. I try to imagine Mary Kate coming to me at 31 years old with two needy gremlins at her ankles and saying "mom, I totally suck at life right now." I would do what my mom does so, so well. I would tell her that life is not a party right now. That despite the most loving family in the world, she is doing it without grandma right down the street ready for insta-babysitting or insta-grocery shopping. I would tell her that her children are perfect and beautiful and that raising them is the most important thing she can do. I would tell her that noone gives a crap if she finishes her half marathon or throws up on mile 6, as her current training might predict. I would tell her that Jesus knows her love for Him and that she just needs to keep sitting at His feet.

I go back to that wonderful text from my friend Elizabeth:



So, I'm gonna stop the emotional projectiling and take a deep breath. I'm gonna go spend some time with Jesus and trust that to Him, I'm doing okay. Goodness knows I've got major room for improvement but, as my college counselor used to say, "spend some time on the pity pot but don't forget to flush." Flushing commenced...

Half birthday for Mr. T

My dreamboat baby is 6 months old and every cliche in the world fits. How is he halfway to one year old?  After those first 12 weeks of 4th trimester torture, it has flown by. I cannot believe it. I'll add stats tomorrow after his appointment for the inevitable comparisons of children but for now, a few facts about my favorite little man.

• is mostly an easy baby. He definitely likes to be held (what baby doesn't) but if he's dry and fed, is generally happy to play in the exercaucer or bumbo.
• immediately stops squaking if we go outside.
• is starting to interact with Mary Kate and, as all moms of more than one kid say, this is the best part about growing your family.
• has the best, biggest smile ever.
• has the best, biggest belly ever.
• loves nothing more than being in the bath.
• is an action man. Bounce him on your lap, throw him in the air, dance with him, he's happy.
• looks for his dad. If Ross is anywhere to be found, T is stretching his neck to find him. Watch the two of them for 5 seconds and you'll see.
• still loves his mama. feeling is beyond mutual
• takes 2-3 naps a day and the more consistent I am with watching the clock and not getting him overtired, the better the naps are (duh).
• likes a paci and can (finally) hold it in his mouth!!
• wakes up once a night when he can't find that paci. monster created. Don't care though because waking up once to  give him that thing is totally worth the insta-cork it provides during the day
• hates the car for any rides longer than 12 minutes. Gonna be a long trip to his first St. Patrick's day parade this weekend!
• started solid food this month. so far oatmeal and carrots are a hit. trying to not to do too much so we don't sacrifice milk supply but our little chunk was definitely ready for food that doesn't taste like diet coke.
• loves the bjorn despite mama's preference for the back preserving ergo.
• will easily take a nap in the ergo though which is so nice for flexibility in our day.
• is a round, round little butterball and we adore him.

sweet snuggle time

sweet smother snuggle time

big sister abuse

more big sister abuse (note bow)

2 favorites, his mama and his reflection

learning how to eat/gnaw on a spoon

tis the season for food hidden in the no-neck.

Litany of Humility

The post I wrote this week (see below) was a reflection on the Gospel of Luke, chapter 18. "The one who humbles himself will be exalted."  Catching up on our Lenten devotional, I found this prayer at the end of Rachel's post and it fit perfectly with what I wanted to say (and what I, myself, want and need to pray). Enjoy!

~written by Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930)~

 

         O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being approved, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

In Luke 18,  Jesus tells the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector. In his prayer, the Pharisee reminds the Lord of all he has done, fasting, praying and tithing. The tax collector goes humbly, on his knees, and asks for mercy for his sins. Jesus reminds us that it is the tax collector who is justified. “The one who humbles himself will be exalted.”

For many of us reading this, we are good people trying to live out our faiths in a very secular world. We go to Mass each week, we may attend a Bible study. We spend time in prayer, we fast. It can feel like we are doing so much compared to others.  We measure ourselves against a world that, these days, doesn’t set a very high bar. But even if we measured ourselves against the piety of the holiest man, it is our humility the Lord most desires.  If  we went to Mass every day, made a monthly confession and tithed more than our 10% and came to the Lord showing him all our good deeds, He would be more pleased with the person  who had done none of this but said to Him, “Bless me for I have sinned.”

There is a great comfort in knowing that it is the condition of our hearts that will hurt or please the Lord. We absolutely should spend as much time as possible in prayer, fasting, almsgiving. These things make us more like Jesus and bring us closer to Him. We just have to do so with humility. We can’t earn our way into Heaven. Jesus took every one of those nails out of the same love for saint and sinner.  We say at Mass, “Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof.” We humble ourselves before we receive the greatest gift ever given, the actual body of Christ. That shows how important humility is in the Christian walk.

We will all walk through different seasons of life. There will be times when we can make it to daily Mass and monthly confession, times when we can tithe 10% before taxes. Hopefully, we will get on our knees each night of those plentiful times and tell the Lord that we are thankful for His provision and ask for forgiveness for the ways we didn’t honor Him. There will also be times when we can’t get to daily Mass, when our tithe will be in time rather than money. Hopefully we will get on our knees during those times and tell the Lord we are thankful for His provision and ask forgiveness for ways we didn’t honor Him.

Our God loves us in plenty or in want. He loves us not for what we do or give, but who we are. God doesn’t love us because we’re good. He loves us because HE is good.

 

7 quick reasons stay at home moms should leave the house daily

--- 1 ---

Not having left the house today as of 12:50 in the pm, I am reminded of why stay at home moms should leave the house once per day. Costco, the drive thru at McD's or even the place your husband begs you not to enter, Publix. If you stay at home with your children, leave the house for your own reasons, if not for these.

--- 2 ---

*assuming you are a decent human being, which I am, most days*, leaving the house requires brushing of teeth, hair, and wearing of a brassiere. It also requires brushing of at least hair of pine straw headed toddler. For this little outing, you and your family can no longer be mistaken for hobos living in a tent on a commune.

--- 3 ---

Leaving the house increases the chances you will talk to another adult. You can practice using 4 syllable words and expressions other than that made by a monkey and his yellow hatted friend.

--- 4 ---

Leaving home helps you practice legitimate and proper discipline. My friend Rachel has said that on bad days with her kids, she responds to them as if someone else were watching her. When I try this, I am much less likely to threaten to flush MK down the toilet. I've never threatened that. ahem. That said, going out of the house has me practice all the things the "experts" tell you to do. Sometimes it works. Sometimes MK looks at me like "when you are you going to threaten me with that empty goofy sounding threat again."

--- 5 ---

Exercise. On days when the only walking I do is to wipe a toddler's bum (how many times can the girl poo in one day????), going out requires that I lift two people in and out of carseats and grocery carts. That totally counts as at least half a body bar class at Ladies First Fitness Athens. (out of business since 2004).

--- 6 ---

Getting out of the house means that I will catch at least 3 stoplights during which time I will apply 4 year old mascara, blush via a lipstick tube, and a quick pinking of the lips. Ross can totally tell when I've done the redlight makeover but it is still miiiiles beyond what he normally gets.

--- 7 ---

Lastly, getting out of ye old casa means that  for the duration of time we're gone, my house isn't being destroyed with stickers, crushed goldfish or 200 diapers for 2 naked baby dolls. Any hope of a semi neat home depends on letting the kid trash someone else's home or retail establishment.

 

On that note, after nap trip planned to costco for veggie pizza and a big arse bottle of wine. Happy Friday!

 

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Livin La Vida Buena

Today I went on a run during Ross's lunch break. Usually my runs involve one of two scenarios. A) a 5:15 wake up to pump followed by a run in the freezing temps with lovely running friends or B (and always less preferable), a run later in the morning with 2 people, one of whom is always crying, whining, asking for snacks, pooping, standing up in the stroller or asking me to sing Bible songs. Well, no offense to the Bible, but when Ross agreed to let me fit a quick couple of miles in during his lunch, I took it. It is a rare day that I run alone and it was nice.

Running along busy roads on a windy day, I couldn't hear Madonna urging me to pick up the pace so it was just me and my thoughts. Can't bear the suspense of hearing what they were? Lucky day for you :)

I thought about the good life I lead. I read somewhere that the seeds of discontent start with ingratitude. As I thought about the things I've previously been discontented with, I was able to see more clearly why I needed to be grateful for those very things.

Example one: we have long prayed for a new job for Ross but the right opportunity has not come. Today I was reminded that this current job is five minutes from home and he comes home for lunch every day. Some days that affords me one less diaper change. Other days, like today, it gets me a solo run in the not freak early hours. I put kids down for nap and ran like it was my last day of freedom on earth. It was wonderful. So while God is remaining mum on the job front, I'll take a post dawn, no kids run and be thankful for his five minute commute.

Example two. Kind of on the same token, we are hoping to move in the next while. I'd be lying if I didn't say I've been waiting on this day for a long time. I want a little more space and a lot less orange bathroom. But this teeny tiny house is one story and is easy to clean. So easy, in fact, that I can vacuum it in its entirety in about 30 minutes (and that's an "under the furniture, into the corners" kind of vacuum. I can easily do it in less. Ross came home to me vacuuming yesterday and was seriously nearly moved to tears. I'm not sure what's more sad, that he's so excited about the prospect of a well vacuumed home or that the very act of his wife doing more than her usual D+ job of homemaking made him so happy. *side note* he asked why I would be vacuuming (fair question). I said that MK had crushed goldfish on the floor and his derned dog who eats Thomas's spit up from the floor refuses mk's goldfish.  I am so waiting to see MK purposely crushing goldfish upon bribe from her father. Anyway- the point it is, it's not a bad life when you can do a decent job of cleaning your entire house in 30 minutes.

Example three. Dreamboat baby has finally learned to roll over. Naturally that's only in one direction, prompting "rescue me" screams from the turtle himself a few times a night. I'd complain about the waking, but a simple flip back to his belly and a paci in his mouth and he's back out. I cannot complain about that and am really thankful that he goes back down so easily.

I'd go on and on but it really does amaze me how quickly perspective can change when I shift the focus to gratitute. All of a sudden I see blessings everywhere I look.

**if you follow me on instagram, sorry for the repeats. So trying to not let instagram replace blogging like the rest of you have :) **

 

 

Lenten Reflections

This year, I'm taking part in a Lenten reflection series put on by the FOCUS (Fellowship of Catholic University Students) team at Georgia Southern. My recent post is below but there are daily postings until Easter and they are all wonderful. Take a peek for a few minutes of spiritual time today!

Being the Hands and Feet of Jesus

No one ever said that the Christian walk was an easy one. In fact, many of the great disciples, from St. Paul to Mother Teresa, have reminded us that choosing to follow Jesus can be a difficult path. Thankfully, Holy Scripture gives us a roadmap, plenty of do’s and don’ts to help us navigate our way toward our Savior. Today’s first reading from Leviticus gives us some of the don’ts.  “You shall not steal. You shall not lie or speak falsely to one another. You shall not swear falsely by my name.”  This looks pretty straightforward.  Most of us don’t literally steal, lie or swear by Him.  But what if we remember that everything we have is from Jesus? Are we using the gifts He has loaned us for His glory? If we have extra money and we believe that this is a provision from Him, isn’t squandering it on (insert your luxury of choice) a theft? If we have a skill or talent, and we use our free time watching reality TV, aren’t we stealing that gift from Him?  How often do we say, “I swear to God?” Popular reality starlets proudly proclaim “Bible” instead of “I swear.” It doesn’t seem like much but asking for the clarity to see even the small ways we offend the Lord can draw us closer to Him.

In His mercy, God also gives us suggestions of do’s in today’s Gospel from Matthew. They are not ways to earn His freely given love and grace, but ways that help us become more like Him, and become one with Him.  “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.” Jesus is pretty clear here. Saying “I believe in you” a few times in your life or going to Mass each Sunday aren’t all that He asks of us. We must resist the secular pull toward egocentrism, even self-centeredness.  Richard Sterns writes in his book, The Hole in our Gospel, that today’s Christian might re-read that passage from Matthew 25. It could say

For I was hungry, while you had all you needed. I was thirsty, but you drank bottled water. I was a stranger, and you wanted me deported. I needed clothes, but you needed more clothes. I was sick, and you pointed out the behaviors that led to my sickness. I was in prison, and you said I was getting what I deserved.

The majority of us are good, loving people. But during these 40 days, how can we stretch ourselves from being a “good person” to literally being the hands and feet of Jesus in this broken world?  He needs us to put down the iphone and write a note to our grandmother or call (not text) our mom just to say hi. He needs us to live the scripture we may so readily quote by caring for orphans and frustrating roommates alike. He needs us to spend a few minutes each day praying for people who have no one to pray for them.  By acting out the faith we profess, we walk a path that leads directly into His loving and tender embrace. 

-Keri Ninness